Life, Why Do You Hate Me So?
by SarcasticDevotee
Summary: Romance is the last thing on Noah's mind. However, in an odd turn of events, nine Total Drama contestants end up falling in love with him. Follow Noah as he battles romance, awkward sexual tension, and being forced to choose someone to love before he goes bonkers. A parody of harems and Noah ships. Contains NoCo, Nizzy, Nourtney, Notie, Nosay, Nidgette, Neather, Nawn, and Nova.


**For those who's just seeing this story, welcome! This is a parody of Noah pairings and a parody of the entire harem genre. You see, one time I saw some fics that were basically, "Duncan or Cody get a bunch of girls to fall in love with them then they have to pick." I wanted to take a more silly, parodic take on it, and who else would be the perfect candidate than Noah?**

**For those who have seen a fic like this before on another account, yes this is the same person and yes I'm remaking this. Why? I feel like I've improved a bit since the original fic was posted, and I wanted to give this another go and see where it leads.**

**Just so you all will know, anything and everything could happen in this fic, and it may be borderline-M with some of the jokes, but it will not cross T rating territory.**

**With that being said, let the chaos begin.**

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**Disclaimer: **I do not own Total Drama nor these characters. They belong to Fresh TV, of course.

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**Prologue**

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My name is Noah Intan. You probably know me from a certain sadistic farce known as Total Drama. You know, the kid who did absolutely nothing the first season but became an ensemble darkhorse the third? Yeah. The one and the same.

If you're reading this, one of three outcomes have happened to me:

Option one, I have been driven insane. Now, I'm pretty unsure how that would work out seeing as I'm writing this to you in proper sentence structure; although with all of the text speak my peers use, you'd assume it was some ancient language of eons past.

Option two, I'm about to die. A more viable option, honestly, seeing as I'm part of the most dangerous, and honestly illegal, television franchise in the world. You'd assume that more of us than just Courtney would have sued McLean's ass, but alas, I digress.

Or option three, I have been forced to make a decision of the romantic nature amidst a large crowd of romantic admirers.

I know, it's absolutely hilarious, but you can stop laughing now.

Or don't, and I won't blame you if you don't.

Much.

You see, the problem here is a pretty simple conundrum, even if that in itself is literally impossible. It's hard to put into words.

Dear reader, do you like music? Of course you do. You're probably sitting here listening to the arts of Mozart and Beethoven as we speak.

Or Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber, but once again, I digress.

No, the music I'm speaking of is a simple song by the band The Eagles. Concisely, the song known as "Take It Easy." Boy, that song title sure does sound like a slap in the face to me right about now.

Sorry. I'm getting ahead of myself.

The lyrics read, "Well, I'm running down the road, trying to loosen my load. I've got seven women on my mind. Four that wanna own me, two that wanna stone me, and one says she's a friend of mine."

In my case, it boils down to more like seven women, a guy, and Eva.

I can guess your questions already. "But Noah, aren't you gay? Wouldn't take make your choice oh-so easier?" "But Noah, you're too… _you _to fall in love!" "But Noah, that sounds absolutely impossible for a geek like you!"

My answers to those questions, in order, are, "Not quite; you're quite correct; and thank you so much for your stereotyping."

You see, and I'm sure this honestly will act as a surprise to a lot of the uninformed, but did you know there were more sexualities than just heterosexuality and homosexuality?

I'll let your small minds take that in. For those who already know these terms, I apologize beforehand for wasting your time; but think about how much time I'm wasting in explanation.

Keep in mind also, that people can also be _romantic _and not _sexual_, but for ease of use, we'll just use the sexual terms, readers.

There's asexuality, which is a lack of sexual attraction to anyone.

There's… Really not much more to say.

Bisexuality is where someone likes both genders.

Oh, hey! Again, something easy to explain! You're getting it.

And of course, pansexuality, which is the hardest to explain—Okay, before you even let it cross your mind that it's a sexual attraction to pans, I have the right to take the thickest book I have in my extensive collection and slam it over your head.

Now.

Pansexuality is when you have an attraction to every single gender identity and biological sex. In other words, guess what? It's less of, "I like guys!" or "I like girls!" and more of, "Meh. I'm open to you because both your body and mind turns me on."

Too much information, I know. There's also polysexuality and intersexuality, but I'm sure your mind's breaking enough as is from this new information.

So, which one of these do I file under? Asexuality? Rewatch Island and World Tour, honey. Bisexuality? You're pretty close.

If you guessed pansexuality: congrats! You've won an infinite lifetime supply of nothing. Go nuts with it.

Are we on the same page now? Good. This is where it gets _really _good for you and _really _bad for me.

The eight people who happen to have a crush on me.

To get it out of the way, yes. Yes, Cody is one of them. He's also, unfortunate as it may be, the only guy in my "harem" of sorts. Ugh. Even saying the word makes shivers go up my spine.

As you can probably guess, Sierra's taking it _real _well. Oh, yeah. I sure do enjoy having my life threatened both verbally and physically by someone who is five times taller and stronger than I am. It's a thrill a minute.

What's worse is, outside of Owen, Cody's probably one of the people from the show I was closest to. It didn't make any sense at the time.

It made sense later though. You'll find out soon enough.

Second is yet another unsurprising love interest. Izzy. You see, which I didn't know until now, apparently we're a popular pairing online; although why people would ship real people is beyond me. She's the second most popular pairing for me, actually. Right under Cody.

Surprisingly, this didn't change anything about my friendship with Owen. If anything, we got closer. It's funny how the worst things in life can make you bond closer with your best friend.

Behind door number three is Courtney.

No, you didn't read that wrong.

Yes, that's scary to me too.

Courtney and I have a lot in common, I've found out, aside from her borderline psychotic hatred for Duncan and Gwen and her obsession with lawsuits. Still, her attraction was and still is the most bewildering thing I've seen in my life.

Well, until number four, of course.

Lindsay. _Lindsay_. In Chris McLean's own words, "The hot as hell airhead with a voice like an angel and a banging body that doesn't quit."

Ew. That made me feel dirty just quoting him.

This changed a lot of things between me and Tyler. Well, for one, he hates me now. And I guess I don't blame him. Even if it wasn't on purpose, I kinda ruined their relationship.

But that's a story you'll learn soon enough.

Next up's Katie. I didn't see that one coming, really. All I know is, it sure didn't make Sadie that happy. How did that come to be?

It's pretty obvious, but I'll let you wait and see.

No rhyming intended.

Then there's Bridgette. Spoiler alert, I actually have had a crush on her since Total Drama Action. Don't ask me why, either. But I knew it wouldn't happen, seeing how she always sucked face with Geoff.

Well… Let's just say she doesn't suck face with Geoff anymore. I actually hate to say it, but I'm pretty glad this happened.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm a horrible person. Tell me something I don't know. Moving on.

Heather.

_The _Heather.

Again, I was the reason why she broke up with Ale-jerk-dro, and again, I actually feel pretty good about it, all things considered.

I'm a jerk. Sue me.

The next one was a little bit of a surprise, seeing as until this whole adventure started, I never even spoke to her before. Dawn. In a way, she reminds me of Bridgette, but a whole lot _weirder_. She's definitely a force all on her own.

A force of what, I really don't want to know.

And lastly, Eva.

I know, I found it funny to begin with too.

But you see, it's not so funny once you figure out that this is real. Not a dream or a hoax. This is what happens when you go from that sarcastic asshat that everyone either begrudgingly likes or downright hates to one of the most talked about people around the Total Drama cast, good or bad.

But enough about that. You guys probably want to figure out the story, right? Fine. But let me tell you, it's one rough tale.

This is the story of how I learned that the emotion called love is a cold-hearted douchenozzle.

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**Next time: **Taking place after Total Drama All Stars, the Total Drama cast is called back to Playa des Losers for a surprise announcement!


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